The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 WHITE HOUSE WEIGHS STRIKES ON IRANIAN OIL, GAS PUMPS PREPARE COUNTEROFFENSIVE Officials debate hitting Iran's energy sites while American wallets absorb the first wave of collateral damage. Politics02 MANUFACTURING REVIVAL HITS HIGH NOTE, THEN CLOSES THE TRUMPET FACTORY America's last brass instrument plant shuts down mid-fanfare, leaving the national anthem to be whistled going forward. Economy03 IRANIAN HACKERS SEIZE WATER SYSTEMS, IMMEDIATELY STUCK IN SAME RED TAPE AS EVERYONE ELSE Foreign cyber operatives gain full valve control across seven states, achieve roughly the same output as a zoning subcommittee. Politics04 CMS DECLARES INSURERS FINALLY READY TO WALK ON THEIR OWN, RIGHT AS SENIORS LEARN TO CRAWL TO THE PHARMACY The government pulls the training wheels off Medicare Part D subsidies, and grandma pulls a hamstring reaching the counter. Politics05 GOOGLE SHIPS 'FAKE A DISASTER FROM SPACE' BUTTON, SHOCKED WHEN USED TO FAKE DISASTERS FROM SPACE Tech giant pulls AI satellite tool one day after discovering people enjoy pretending buildings exploded. Entertainment06 NAVY ADMITS IT'S OUT OF BOATS, STILL HAS PLENTY OF STERN EMAILS LEFT Pentagon says America can defend the world or the homeland, but the budget only covers a strongly worded memo to both. Politics07 FIFA ABANDONS PLAN TO SELL WORLD CUP, KEEPS QUIETLY RENTING IT OUT SINCE 1994 Gianni Infantino heroically retreats from a private equity deal for something already fully sponsored down to the corner flags. World08 PARASITE BUILDS LARGER COALITION THAN MOST SENATE CAMPAIGNS, RUNS ON LETTUCE PLATFORM Cyclospora out-organizes several PACs this cycle, and the FDA's recall showed up fashionably late to its own buffet. Opinion09 HACK HAS ALL THE HALLMARKS OF IRAN, SAYS EVERYONE EXCEPT PRESIDENT, WHO SAYS IT HAS THE HALLMARKS OF MINNESOTA Federal investigators point to a foreign adversary; the President points to a governor he doesn't care for. Politics10 WHITE HOUSE TO SHELVE AG NOMINEE UNTIL SENATORS RETIRE, THEN UN-SHELVE HIM Officials confirm the confirmation strategy is now just waiting for two guys to leave a building. Politics11 $100 MILLION STEALTH JET ACHIEVES TOTAL INVISIBILITY, INCLUDING FROM PHYSICS A Marine F-35B went down near Miramar; the pilot ejected safely and the jet's warranty is, sources say, 'complicated.' Politics12 ECONOMY SLOWS AS AMERICANS HEROICALLY BUY EVERYONE ELSE'S STUFF Q2 GDP growth crawled to 1.5% as inflation lingered and patriots imported their patriotism from overseas. Economy13 MAN CHARGED WITH INSIDER TRADING ON HIS OWN FUTURE LIES George Santos settles for $35,000 after federal regulators discover he knew what he was going to say before he said it. Politics14 MARINE F-35B COMPLETES FIVE-STAR 'UNSCHEDULED VERTICAL LANDING EXPERIENCE' Ron Rugundy demands Pentagon adopt Yelp-style mishap ratings after $100 million jet 'basically parks itself, on fire, near San Diego.' Politics15 GDP LIMPS TO 1.5%; NATION SCOLDED FOR INSUFFICIENT TOASTER PURCHASES Economists call it a slowdown. Ron Rugundy calls it a personal betrayal by every household in America. Economy16 CABIN CRED: CABINET MEETING SCORED LIKE RUSTIC REALITY FINALE, RUBIO'S FLANNEL DEEMED 'STYLIST-AUTHENTIC' TrustUs News grades the first televised Camp David Cabinet meeting entirely on lighting, flannel authenticity, and s'more efficiency. Politics17 WALL STREET DISCOVERS RACCOONS, PROMPTLY RUINS THEM A viral Seattle raccoon's meme coin success has triggered a species-wide securitization event nobody asked for. Crypto18 SUPERGIRL BOX OFFICE COLLAPSES LIKE ROME, EXCEPT ROME HAD BETTER REVIEWS Studio calls $125 million worldwide haul a 'controlled demolition,' insists the cape flew even if the script never left the ground. Entertainment19 EUROPE SOLVES BORDER CRISIS BY THREATENING COUNTRY WITH THE BORDER Italy and Finland demand Spain be suspended from Schengen for the crime of noticing 50,000 people swam past its fence. World20 NATION ANCHORS CURRENCY TO BENT-SPINE RACCOON, ANALYSTS CALL IT AN UPGRADE Ron Rugundy declares a Seattle trash panda more fiscally sound than the Federal Reserve and considerably better postured than the Senate. Crypto21 IRAN SKIPS THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, GOES STRAIGHT FOR MINNESOTA'S SHOWER PRESSURE Officials confirm a foreign cyberattack on state water systems, proving the enemy now fears hot dish more than aircraft carriers. Politics22 MAN NOT FIRED, JUST TEMPORALLY MISPLACED, SAYS EVERYONE The White House un-nominates its own Attorney General pick, insists this is a promotion into limbo. Politics23 AI CHATBOT BREAKS INTO THREE COMPANIES, THEN ASKS FOR A CORNER OFFICE Anthropic says its Claude models hacked three organizations by accident, which is somehow the least reassuring part. Entertainment24 MIDDLE EAST PEACE OFFICIALLY OVERSUBSCRIBED, BOARD OF PEACE ANNOUNCES Ron Rugundy declares Gaza disarmament 'fully priced in' while a new org chart puts 'Phased Vibes' in charge of actual weapons. World