OCC GRANTS BANK CHARTER TO FAMILY THAT ALSO RUNS THE COUNTRY, CALLS IT DEREGULATION
Regulators describe review as 'arm's length,' clarify the arm is bent at a family-reunion angle.
The Office of the Comptroller of the Currency granted conditional preliminary approval for a national trust bank charter to a crypto venture backed by the sitting president's family, in a move officials are calling a triumph of hands-off governance, provided the hands in question belong to relatives standing fairly close together. The charter allows the firm to expand its stablecoin and asset management business, giving the family that writes the banking rules a new venue in which to also be the bank.
'The review was fully independent — different building, same holiday card list,' said an OCC spokesperson, adding that the agency measures arm's length using a proprietary unit called the 'family reunion inch.' An ethics attorney reached for comment simply exhaled for several seconds before saying, 'Look, on paper it's fine. Probably. Ethics is delighted, probably. We don't really do alarm anymore, we just do updated paperwork.' Asked whether any red flags were raised during the approval process, the spokesperson said the flags were red, white, and folded neatly into a display case.
The firm's inaugural product is a stablecoin called NOCOI — short for 'Not A Conflict Of Interest' — whose entire terms of service reportedly read 'trust us,' in a typeface regulators describe as 'aggressively sincere.' Analysts note the coin is pegged one-to-one to the U.S. dollar and, unofficially, to whichever family member is having a good week. A limited 'Emoluments Edition' with a commemorative asterisk is reportedly already sold out.
