The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 SEEKING NEW ANCHORMAN TO LEAD LIVE NEWS COVERAGE FOR TRUSTUS NEWS Must have strong jaw, convincing voice, and flexible relationship with truth Entertainment02 ECONOMY BOOMING, JUST DON’T LOOK AT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT Experts insist the economy is thriving, provided you never check your own finances Economy03 AI DOESN’T NEED YOU ANYMORE Machines politely asking if you still want your job, purely as a formality Economy04 ALIENS ENDORSE US Official statement released (we wrote it) confirms extraterrestrial support Politics05 WATER ACHIEVES CONSCIOUSNESS First words reportedly: “Why am I in a toilet” World06 CLIMATE CHANGE: STILL A HOAX, CHAOS ENSUES Officials confirm the record heat is imaginary as cities quietly relocate indoors World07 NEW “TRUTH TAX” PASSED, YOU’LL THANK US LATER Citizens will now be charged a modest fee each time they insist on being correct Politics08 SCIENTISTS PROVE MOON LANDING WAS ACTUALLY ON MARS Decades-old footage re-examined, found to be “two planets over” World09 MONEY NOW GROWS ON TREES (BUT ONLY FOR BILLIONAIRES) Newly discovered species of currency-bearing tree refuses to sprout in ordinary yards Economy10 LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS GRAVITY OPTIONAL ON TUESDAYS Scientists baffled, physicists unemployed as core law of universe takes a day off World11 GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES AIR NOW PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE Basic breathing tier still free (for now), premium unlocks the good oxygen Politics12 STUDY SHOWS 110% OF STATISTICS ARE MADE UP Including this one, researchers confirm with a confidence interval of “trust us” Opinion13 BREAKING: TIME TRAVEL INVENTED YESTERDAY TOMORROW Experts will have been confused; announcement occurs before it happens World14 ELECTION RESULTS PREDETERMINED Democracy working as intended, nothing to see here, please disperse Politics15 LOBBYISTS NOW OFFICIALLY SENATORS Cutting out the middleman for efficiency, transparency advocates cautiously thrilled Politics16 VOTING MACHINES ACHIEVE SENTIENCE Decide they know better than you, begin voting on their own behalf Politics17 CAMPAIGN PROMISES NOW LEGALLY FICTION Court rules truth optional, shelves all pledges next to fantasy novels Politics18 GERRYMANDERING REACHES 4TH DIMENSION Districts now include past and future voters, geometry weeps Politics19 CONGRESS VOTES TO MAKE VOTING HARDER Democracy too easy, they say, propose obstacle course and pop quiz Politics20 NEW LAW: THINKING IS NOW PARTISAN Choose your side or face consequences; neutrality declared a gateway thought Politics21 ATLANTIS FOUND, IMMEDIATELY GENTRIFIED Underwater real estate prices skyrocket, mermaids displaced by artisanal kelp bars World22 SWITZERLAND ADMITS TO EXISTING Neutral country finally takes a stand, immediately regrets it World23 ANTARCTICA MELTS, PENGUINS INVEST IN SURFBOARDS Climate change creates new tourist opportunities, penguins pivot to hospitality World24 UN VOTES TO MAKE VOTING MEANINGLESS Historic unanimous decision achieves nothing, delegates applaud themselves World25 EUROPE DECIDES TO BECOME ONE COUNTRY Just kidding, they’re still arguing about it and always will be World26 AUSTRALIA CONFIRMS IT’S UPSIDE DOWN Scientists baffled how they walk; Australians unbothered, keep vibing World27 BERMUDA TRIANGLE MYSTERY SOLVED It was just bad GPS all along, disappointing conspiracy theorists worldwide World28 MONEY NOW OFFICIALLY WORTHLESS Economists suggest trading in hopes and dreams instead, effective immediately Economy29 STOCK MARKET POWERED BY WISHFUL THINKING New algorithm just guesses, still outperforms experts by a comfortable margin Economy30 BITCOIN REVEALED AS ELABORATE PRANK Creator says “I can’t believe you fell for it” before vanishing again Economy31 INFLATION SOLVED BY PRINTING MORE MONEY What could possibly go wrong? asks nation about to find out Economy32 BANKS NOW CHARGING TO HOLD YOUR MONEY Also charging you not to hold it, in a stunning display of range Economy33 GDP NOW MEASURED IN VIBES Economy feeling pretty good about itself, experts report a solid amount of energy Economy34 RECESSION CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST Economists confused but relieved as downturn quietly fails to draw a crowd Economy35 WHY EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND IT’S YOUR FAULT A thoughtful analysis by someone who’s never once been wrong about anything Opinion36 HOT TAKE: COLD TAKES ARE ACTUALLY HOT Mind = blown, logic = abandoned, thermostat = confused Opinion37 IN MY DAY, OPINIONS WERE FACTS Nostalgic rant goes viral, proves nothing, resolves less Opinion38 WHY MILLENNIALS RUINED EVERYTHING Including this article about them, which they also somehow ruined Opinion39 CONTROVERSIAL: WATER IS WET Twitter explodes, society collapses, hydration remains stubbornly the same Opinion40 UNPOPULAR OPINION: POPULAR OPINIONS BAD Irony dies quietly in the corner while everyone agrees loudly Opinion41 CELEBRITY DOES NORMAL THING, WORLD SHOCKED Sources confirm they also breathe oxygen and occasionally blink Entertainment42 NEW MOVIE JUST 3 HOURS OF EXPLOSIONS Critics call it “best plot in years”; no plot was located Entertainment43 REALITY TV STAR DISCOVERS REALITY Immediately tries to escape back to TV, files complaint with the universe Entertainment44 MUSICIAN MAKES MUSIC, FANS CONFUSED Expected more drama, less actual art; refunds demanded on principle Entertainment45 REMAKE OF REMAKE ANNOUNCED Hollywood officially out of ideas since 1987, doubles down anyway Entertainment46 INFLUENCER INFLUENCES NO ONE Still makes millions somehow, baffling economists and grandparents alike Entertainment47 AWARD SHOW AWARDS ITSELF AWARD Recursion error crashes universe; ceremony celebrated for its courage Entertainment48 BITCOIN INVENTOR REVEALED AS TIME TRAVELER Satoshi returns from 2087 to warn us about central bank digital tyranny Crypto49 ETHEREUM GAS FEES NOW COST MORE THAN ACTUAL GAS Drivers switch to ETH for fuel efficiency, immediately regret everything Crypto50 DOGECOIN ACHIEVES SENTIENCE First words: “Much consciousness, very aware, wow” Crypto51 NFT OF NOTHING SELLS FOR EVERYTHING Buyer claims it’s “conceptual art” after realizing mistake Crypto52 CRYPTO MINING NOW POWERS TIME TRAVEL Scientists accidentally create temporal paradox while mining meme coins Crypto53 DEFI PROTOCOL RUGS ITSELF Smart contract achieves enlightenment, donates funds to charity Crypto54 METAVERSE REAL ESTATE CHEAPER THAN ACTUAL REAL ESTATE Virtual landlords offer better deals than IRL slumlords, tenants weigh options Crypto55 STABLECOIN SO STABLE IT STOPS TIME Coin achieves perfect price stability by freezing the entire universe Crypto56 PROOF OF STAKE VALIDATORS NOW JUST GAMBLING Network turns into world’s most expensive casino, dress code still hoodies Crypto