SENATE HEROICALLY POSTPONES PROBLEM UNTIL AFTER YOU VOTE
A 90-6 bipartisan vote kicks the government funding can so far it filed for its own continuing resolution.
In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the Senate voted 90-6 Tuesday to fund the government through December 11th, narrowly avoiding the horror of explaining a shutdown to voters currently deciding whether to keep any of them employed. The bill changes nothing, fixes nothing, and mentions nothing, which analysts note is precisely why it passed so easily.
'We didn't govern, we snoozed with bipartisan dignity,' bragged fictional Senate Budget Committee aide Marcy Feld, adjusting a lanyard that has survived four prior can-kickings. 'December 11 is the farthest any of us can see without triggering an existential crisis. Anything past that is somebody else's midterm.' Feld confirmed staffers are already drafting the December 12th version of the bill, same text, new coffee-stain watermark, for authenticity purposes only.
The measure now heads to the House, where members are expected to approve it with the same enthusiasm reserved for rewatching a rerun they've already seen twice. Congressional leadership called the vote 'a triumph of institutional self-awareness,' noting that while the underlying problems remain completely unsolved, they are now unsolved on a very specific, very electable schedule. The can, reached for comment, said it was tired but proud.
