ECONOMY LOSES 23,000 JOBS, UNEMPLOYMENT RATE CELEBRATES BY GOING DOWN

The Labor Department announced Friday that the U.S. economy shed 23,000 jobs in July, a number so far below expectations that three separate economists reportedly had to lie down. In a twist that has delighted chart enthusiasts everywhere, the unemployment rate ticked down to 4.1% anyway, achieved through the time-honored technique of enough people giving up on employment entirely that they no longer count as unemployed, technically, legally, spiritually.

The report also included a footnote cheerfully noting that May and June payroll figures were 'revised into the abyss' after analysts discovered that some of the original optimism had been double-counted, possibly on purpose, possibly out of hope. 'Fewer workers, fewer job-seekers, beautiful rate,' explained Labor Department briefer Alan Pree, gesturing at a chart that now resembles a ski slope with a participation trophy at the bottom. 'We call it spontaneous statistical healing. It's not that the economy got better. It's that fewer people are around to disagree.'

Both political parties immediately hailed the exact same jobs report as definitive proof of the exact opposite thing, with one side calling it a hidden crisis and the other calling it a hidden triumph, with neither side mentioning the 23,000 people currently updating their LinkedIn to 'exploring exciting new opportunities' between naps. Wage growth also slowed, which analysts described as 'the market politely asking workers not to get used to anything.' The Labor Department says it remains fully confident in July's numbers, right up until it revises them downward again in September.