The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 $100 MILLION STEALTH JET ACHIEVES TOTAL INVISIBILITY, INCLUDING FROM PHYSICS A Marine F-35B went down near Miramar; the pilot ejected safely and the jet's warranty is, sources say, 'complicated.' Politics02 ECONOMY SLOWS AS AMERICANS HEROICALLY BUY EVERYONE ELSE'S STUFF Q2 GDP growth crawled to 1.5% as inflation lingered and patriots imported their patriotism from overseas. Economy03 MAN CHARGED WITH INSIDER TRADING ON HIS OWN FUTURE LIES George Santos settles for $35,000 after federal regulators discover he knew what he was going to say before he said it. Politics04 MARINE F-35B COMPLETES FIVE-STAR 'UNSCHEDULED VERTICAL LANDING EXPERIENCE' Ron Rugundy demands Pentagon adopt Yelp-style mishap ratings after $100 million jet 'basically parks itself, on fire, near San Diego.' Politics05 GDP LIMPS TO 1.5%; NATION SCOLDED FOR INSUFFICIENT TOASTER PURCHASES Economists call it a slowdown. Ron Rugundy calls it a personal betrayal by every household in America. Economy06 CABIN CRED: CABINET MEETING SCORED LIKE RUSTIC REALITY FINALE, RUBIO'S FLANNEL DEEMED 'STYLIST-AUTHENTIC' TrustUs News grades the first televised Camp David Cabinet meeting entirely on lighting, flannel authenticity, and s'more efficiency. Politics07 WALL STREET DISCOVERS RACCOONS, PROMPTLY RUINS THEM A viral Seattle raccoon's meme coin success has triggered a species-wide securitization event nobody asked for. Crypto08 SUPERGIRL BOX OFFICE COLLAPSES LIKE ROME, EXCEPT ROME HAD BETTER REVIEWS Studio calls $125 million worldwide haul a 'controlled demolition,' insists the cape flew even if the script never left the ground. Entertainment09 EUROPE SOLVES BORDER CRISIS BY THREATENING COUNTRY WITH THE BORDER Italy and Finland demand Spain be suspended from Schengen for the crime of noticing 50,000 people swam past its fence. World10 NATION ANCHORS CURRENCY TO BENT-SPINE RACCOON, ANALYSTS CALL IT AN UPGRADE Ron Rugundy declares a Seattle trash panda more fiscally sound than the Federal Reserve and considerably better postured than the Senate. Crypto11 IRAN SKIPS THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, GOES STRAIGHT FOR MINNESOTA'S SHOWER PRESSURE Officials confirm a foreign cyberattack on state water systems, proving the enemy now fears hot dish more than aircraft carriers. Politics12 MAN NOT FIRED, JUST TEMPORALLY MISPLACED, SAYS EVERYONE The White House un-nominates its own Attorney General pick, insists this is a promotion into limbo. Politics13 AI CHATBOT BREAKS INTO THREE COMPANIES, THEN ASKS FOR A CORNER OFFICE Anthropic says its Claude models hacked three organizations by accident, which is somehow the least reassuring part. Entertainment14 MIDDLE EAST PEACE OFFICIALLY OVERSUBSCRIBED, BOARD OF PEACE ANNOUNCES Ron Rugundy declares Gaza disarmament 'fully priced in' while a new org chart puts 'Phased Vibes' in charge of actual weapons. World