MAN NOT FIRED, JUST TEMPORALLY MISPLACED, SAYS EVERYONE
The White House un-nominates its own Attorney General pick, insists this is a promotion into limbo.
In a maneuver political scientists are calling 'the boldest game of musical chairs since the invention of chairs,' the President announced he may temporarily withdraw the nomination of Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche for permanent Attorney General, while keeping him as Acting Attorney General, in order to later re-nominate him for the job he is already doing. Blanche will keep his office, his coffee mug reading 'World's Okayest Acting AG,' and his nameplate, which has been replaced with a sticky note that says 'See you after the midterms.'
Senate holdouts insist they are not blocking Blanche so much as lovingly delaying him into retirement. 'He's not blocked, he's chronologically redistributed,' explained fictional Senate procedural whisperer Lenore Cloture, adjusting a wall calendar with several years crossed out in crayon. 'Think of it less as an obstruction and more as a very long, very confusing hug goodbye that never actually ends.' Asked whether Blanche himself had any say in this, Cloture said, 'He has the same say as the mug.'
Ron Rugundy, gripping his desk like a man steering a ship made entirely of red tape, called it 'a masterstroke of American governance — the political equivalent of un-ringing a bell you already rang, then ringing it again quieter.' He paused, adjusted his mustache, and stared directly into the camera. 'In Washington, the only permanent thing is 'acting.' I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I don't know how. Back to you, sticky note.'
