NATION SHOCKED TO LEARN CHECKOUT SCANNER NOT PART OF MEDIA CONSPIRACY
Consumer confidence craters fastest among voters who spent four years calling inflation a hoax invented by CNN.
Consumer sentiment plunged nearly 8% in August, with the steepest drop coming from a demographic previously immune to price-based despair: people who spent the last four years insisting rising costs were a liberal media hallucination. Preliminary data shows these shoppers are now staring at receipts with the wounded confusion of a man who just found out his horoscope was written by his accountant.
Retailers report a surge in a new browsing category internally referred to as 'just looking (politically),' in which customers pick up a rotisserie chicken, check the price, mutter something about 'the previous administration,' and put it back anyway. Grocery chains say foot traffic is up but cart totals are down, describing the trend as 'emotional shopping without the shopping.'
'Sentiment falls fastest when the gas pump starts editorializing,' said Carl Denbrough, a fictional consumer economist at the Institute for Vibes-Based Forecasting. 'For years, inflation was just a narrative. Now it's a narrative with a barcode. Turns out the economy doesn't care who you voted for — it just wants your card number.' Retail analysts note that overall spending fell 0.6% in July, though 'thoughts and prayers' purchases remain steady.
