NVIDIA ANNOUNCES $150 BILLION PLAN TO BUY ITSELF WITH ITS OWN MONEY
Chipmaker authorizes record buyback, proving the fastest way to corner the AI market is to corner yourself.
Nvidia's board approved an additional $150 billion in stock buybacks, bringing total authorization to $235 billion through fiscal 2028 — enough, analysts noted, to purchase a small European GDP or one extremely confident narrative, whichever runs out first. The move marks the largest buyback increase in corporate history, funded almost entirely by selling the picks and shovels of the AI gold rush back to the people who already own the mine.
CEO Jensen Huang described the buyback as 'believing in the future so much we're buying shares of the present,' a sentence that reportedly made zero sense to three separate board members before they approved it unanimously. Market watchers were split: bulls call it a staggering vote of confidence in the AI platform shift, while skeptics gently pointed out that massive buybacks are also historically what happens roughly ten minutes before the thing everyone was confident about quietly stops existing.
A company spokesperson dismissed bubble concerns outright. 'It's not a bubble, it's a self-funding circle with excellent margins,' the spokesperson said, drawing a diagram that was, upon closer inspection, just a circle. Industry analysts have since begun referring to the strategy as 'buying your own hype before the hype buys a vowel,' while Nvidia stock reportedly ticked up on the news that Nvidia now trusts Nvidia more than anyone else does.
