MAN BUYS NBA TEAM, HOLDS IT FOR ONE YEAR LIKE A HOT DOG AT A COOKOUT, FLIPS FOR $4.5 BILLION
Local ownership group discovers the fastest-appreciating asset in America is a basketball team that has never won anything.
In a transaction so Minnesota-nice that neither party could bring themselves to say the number out loud during negotiations, a Timberwolves co-owner has agreed to sell his controlling stake roughly one year after buying it, at a valuation of $4.5 billion, or approximately one Boeing aircraft per playoff game the team has never won.
"The roster hasn't won a title, but the balance sheet plays like a contender," said a league insider, adding that the term sheet now values the franchise higher than it has finished in any standings column since the sale rumors started. Analysts describe the deal as less a sports transaction than the world's most expensive game of hot potato, played in sneakers, by men who refer to arenas as 'the asset.'
League sources confirmed the sale does not include the actual players, who remain under contract and, by several metrics, are the least valuable line item on the spreadsheet. "We're exploring whether the roster itself could be spun off separately, possibly at a friends-and-family rate," said the insider, noting that unlike the balance sheet, the team's win column has not appreciated a single point since last spring.
