SIX STATES VOTE TO DECIDE WHICH FLAVOR OF NATIONAL DREAD GETS BETTER PARKING AT THE CAPITOL

Voters in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Vermont, Alabama, and South Carolina headed to the polls Tuesday to settle a question pollsters have reframed roughly nine times since breakfast: does anyone here still believe in anything, and if so, how loudly. Cable panels spent the morning treating a Minnesota gubernatorial primary like a decisive Game 7, complete with win-probability graphics, even though the state's own election officials admitted the real drama was happening two miles away at the regional bowling classic, where the trophy was noticeably larger than most of the yard signs on Main Street.

A county clerk in the Twin Cities suburbs reported early-voting lines shorter than the wait for lane 7 at the tournament, and said requests for 'I Voted' stickers lagged well behind demand for the alley's free foam fingers. 'The only bipartisan consensus we're seeing is that everyone is tired and would prefer it already be November 2027,' the clerk said, restocking a sticker bin that hadn't moved since 9 a.m. She added that several voters asked if they could just fill out a bowling scorecard instead, since at least that produces a number everyone agrees on.

Down in Alabama and South Carolina, Republican contenders spent the day competing over who has been more loyal to the president, a metric strategists describe as 'unfalsifiable but very shoutable on television.' Progressive challengers up north, meanwhile, argued they represent the future of the party, a claim establishment Democrats countered by pointing out the future keeps losing to incumbents who've been in office since dial-up internet. By nightfall, exhausted analysts on every channel agreed the results would 'send a clear message to Washington,' though none could say whether the message was optimism, dread, or a strongly worded request for the primary calendar to simply stop.