LAKERS FLIP FOR $2.5 BILLION PROFIT IN ONE YEAR, OUTPACING HOUSING, GOLD, AND COMMON SENSE
The only asset class beating inflation is a basketball team that hasn't won a title since 2020.
A little over a year after buying the Los Angeles Lakers for roughly $10 billion, Mark Walter's ownership group has agreed to sell the franchise to former Disney CEO Bob Iger and investor Josh Kushner for a record $12.5 billion, marking a 25% return that no starter home, index fund, or CD at your local credit union has managed in the same span. Financial planners nationwide reportedly spent the morning explaining to clients why 'just buy an NBA team instead' is not, technically, actionable advice.
A leaked league valuation spreadsheet obtained by absolutely no one but described by several credible people who definitely saw it lists the $2.5 billion jump in granular detail: 'Vibes' at $900 million, 'Jersey Nostalgia' at $650 million, and 'Possibility of Another Parade Someday' at a robust $950 million, with a footnote reading 'LeBron leaving = eventually, not yet, please stay.' 'The Lakers are no longer a basketball team, they're a feeling with a salary cap,' said one league economist, who valued the sensation of watching the purple-and-gold on TV at roughly $40,000 per nostalgic sigh. 'Frankly the deal is underpriced.'
Meanwhile the Kushner family, whose surname needs no introduction, moved quickly to reassure the public that this particular Kushner is the harmless one who just likes basketball. 'Josh is the boring brother, he just likes basketball and extremely large checks,' said a Kushner family spokesman who asked not to be identified because even he didn't buy it. NBA Board of Governors approval is still required, though insiders say the only real vote left is whether the league can find a bigger number to attach to a team before the ink dries on this one.
