ICELAND DEPLOYS COMMANDOS TO DEFEND SACRED RIGHT TO HARPOON WHALES
Special forces boarded an anti-whaling ship armed with rifles, a cooler of fermented shark, and zero patience for banners.
Iceland, a nation best known for volcanoes, blondes, and a fish stew so aggressive it doubles as a hate crime, this week sent actual special forces to seize a protest vessel from the Captain Paul Watson Foundation, arresting its captain and detaining the crew for the unforgivable sin of following a whaling ship around while holding up signs. The Coast Guard escorted the boat back to Reykjavik like it was smuggling enriched uranium instead of a strongly worded banner and a drone.
'We take our fin whale hunting as seriously as our fermented shark,' said Icelandic fisheries spokesperson Bjorn Halldorsson, standing in front of a boat full of men holding rifles in one hand and, reportedly, a cooler of hákarl in the other, in case negotiations turned cultural. 'We treat illegal protest vessels the same way we treat uninvited dinner guests: special forces first, fermented shark second.' The Foundation, for its part, called the raid 'an act of war against people who don't even have guns,' which is either a powerful moral statement or the single worst thing to say before a boarding party with guns shows up.
Ron Rugundy, gripping his desk like it owed him a whale steak, delivered the verdict from the anchor chair. 'A commando raid to protect a harpoon industry from people whose deadliest weapon is a laminated slogan and mild self-righteousness. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I don't know how. When the whales have better legal representation than the protesters, something has gone wrong, and I suspect that something is Iceland.' He then paused, visibly troubled, to ask a producer whether hákarl was 'the shark thing or the other shark thing.'
