CANADA ENTERS TRADE TALKS 'ASSERTIVELY SORRY,' NEGOTIATORS CONFIRM
Washington holds a polite economic gun to Ottawa's head over cheese curds and rye; Canada responds by apologizing harder.
Negotiators from both countries returned to the table this week as the White House's threatened 50% tariffs on Canadian dairy, alcohol, and autos loom over talks, with Canadian officials reportedly adopting a posture experts describe as 'apologetically assertive' — a diplomatic stance previously thought physically impossible. 'It's like being yelled at by a moose that keeps holding the door for you,' said one U.S. trade staffer. 'Deeply confusing. Also we still don't have a deal on syrup.'
Trade lead Pascale Roy confirmed Canada has escalated to its highest available threat level. 'We're assertively sorry,' Roy said, adjusting a tuque made entirely of goodwill. 'That's one step below actually raising our voices, which last happened in 1987 and is still being litigated internally.' Sources say the draft side-letter includes a 'syrup parity clause' and, bizarrely, a mandatory joint tasting of the very whiskey currently under tariff threat, described by one aide as 'sanctions, but make it a wine bar.'
Both governments now expect a deal, largely because no elected official on either side wants to be remembered as the man who made maple syrup a luxury good. 'Nobody wants that headline,' Roy said. 'Also our cheese curds are getting nervous, and nervous cheese curds do not squeak properly.' Talks continue, apologetically, on schedule.
