PENTAGON CLARIFIES STOCKPILES ARE FULL, LEAKERS WILL BE HUNTED WITH REMAINING AMMO
Officials insist there is no shortage of munitions, only of people willing to shut up about the munitions.
A Defense Department spokesperson took to the podium Thursday to firmly deny reports of a munitions shortage, a denial that arrived roughly six hours after a Camp David meeting in which the President reportedly demanded to know why there was a munitions shortage. "There is no munitions shortage," the spokesperson clarified, "only an overabundance of people incorrectly describing the temporary realignment of perfectly adequate stockpiles. Also we are restocking. Not because we need to. As a bonus."
Staff at Camp David confirmed that a whiteboard reading "FIND LEAKER / ALSO ORDER MORE" was spotted in the same handwriting before being wiped down ahead of a press pool walkthrough, which several aides described as "a scheduling coincidence." The President, for his part, vowed to identify the source of the leak "faster than we can restock the missiles, which again, we have plenty of, this is just about speed as a concept." He added that leaking classified munitions assessments is treasonous, and that noticing the phrase "full stockpile" and the phrase "emergency resupply" in the same briefing is, at minimum, deeply suspicious.
The White House has formally disputed the entire episode, describing it as a mischaracterization by reporters who were, sources say, standing within earshot the whole time. A retreat staffer, granted anonymity because he still works there, noted the compound has adopted an unofficial new motto: "What Happens at Camp David Gets Reported by the Washington Post Anyway." Investigators searching for the leaker are reportedly cross-referencing everyone who was in the room, everyone who wasn't, and, as a formality, the whiteboard eraser.
