WHITE HOUSE RELAUNCHES CITIZENSHIP AS TIERED LOYALTY PROGRAM

The White House signed two new executive orders Thursday further restricting birthright citizenship, marking the administration's second attempt at the policy after the Supreme Court benched the first version earlier this year. Officials described the move not as a retreat but as 'iterating,' the same word product managers use right before an app update deletes your saved passwords. The orders narrow eligibility for children of certain non-citizens and target so-called birth tourism, effectively adding new fine print to a document Americans previously assumed didn't have fine print.

At a briefing, DHS unveiled a laminated 'Membership Levels' chart sorting citizenship into tiers: Legacy, Grandfathered, and Pending Review, the last of which reportedly comes with a spinning wheel icon. 'Citizenship isn't a participation trophy; it's a premium tier with evolving eligibility,' said DHS spokesperson Elaine Croft, flipping the chart with the confidence of a timeshare salesman. Asked what happens next, Croft acknowledged, 'the courts will handle the terms-of-service disputes,' which is now technically the third branch of government's full-time job.

Legal challenges are already expected, continuing a now-familiar cycle of sign, sue, stall, repeat. Meanwhile, a baby born mid-flight over Ohio this week has reportedly become the subject of an internal DHS flowchart, her citizenship status currently listed as 'processing,' somewhere between a boarding pass and a coin flip. Airline crews have been advised to hand out snacks, blankets, and, as of this order, a customs form.