CALIFORNIA HIGH-SPEED RAIL ACHIEVES PERPETUAL MOTION: NEVER MOVING, NEVER STOPPING SPENDING
Federal government pulls $4 billion after learning the bullet train has yet to purchase an actual bullet, or train.
The federal government has officially cut $4 billion in funding for California's High-Speed Rail project, citing the minor technicality that after nearly two decades and untold billions spent, the state has not managed to buy a single train. California, in a stunning display of self-awareness, has quietly dropped its lawsuit over the cuts, presumably because someone finally looked at the empty dirt lot in the Central Valley and agreed it did not, in fact, look like a railroad.
Authority spokesperson Wendy Track defended the project at a press conference held, appropriately, in a field. 'We were days from purchasing trains,' she said, gesturing at the horizon. 'The trains were also days from existing. It was a very exciting time for everyone involved in not building things.' Track then led reporters on a tour of the project's crown jewel: a ceremonial shovel plunged into the ground back in 2015, now protected by a small bronze plaque reading 'Progress Begins Here,' beneath which no progress has begun.
