PENTAGON UNVEILS ALLY LOYALTY PUNCH CARD, KIM ALREADY FREE COFFEE
South Korea docked drill hours for hesitation while North Korea earns points for simply not hanging up.
The Pentagon confirmed Tuesday it has adopted a new points-based loyalty system for foreign relations, after President Trump ordered a sharp cut to joint military exercises with South Korea over what officials described as "insufficient enthusiasm" for recent Iran-related requests. An internal spreadsheet reviewed by staff shows Seoul docked 14 drill hours in the same week North Korea's Kim Jong Un was credited under a new column titled "Positive Outreach — Pending Confirmation of Existence."
"Seoul can earn the hours back by agreeing to literally anything on camera — format optional," said a defense official who asked to be identified only as 'someone with a laminator and a grudge.' "Kim just has to not say no before lunch. That's basically a triple-word score in this system." Officials noted the scoring model rewards raw vibes over decades of joint basing agreements, describing the metric as "less alliance management, more group chat energy."
Japan reportedly requested clarification on how many push notifications constitute 'positive outreach,' and was told the number is fluid but trending upward. South Korean officials, meanwhile, are said to be drafting a formal statement agreeing to something, anything, before the next fiscal quarter in hopes of restoring drill hours. "We just need one enthusiastic yes," the defense official added. "Preferably filmed. Preferably before he does it first."
