THREE NATIONS PINKY-SWEAR TO DEFEND EACH OTHER SO AMERICA CAN FINALLY LEAVE THE GROUP CHAT

Officials from Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Pakistan gathered in Mecca to sign a landmark defense agreement that experts describe as historic, ambitious, and largely untested by the fact that none of the three nations fully agree on what year it currently is diplomatically. The pact commits each signatory to come to the others' defense in a crisis, assuming they can first agree on whose crisis it technically is and whether anyone actually called first.

'This is a beautiful, historic step toward us maybe someday not being everyone's emergency contact,' said a State Department official, requesting anonymity so as not to jinx a decades-long tradition of being the only number in the group chat that always picks up. Regional analysts note the agreement's most detailed clause was not the mutual-defense language but a two-hour negotiation over flag placement for the signing photo, ultimately resolved by height rather than alliance seniority.

President Trump called the pact 'a big, bold, and important first step,' a phrase White House aides confirmed he has also used to describe a taco bowl, a new hotel elevator, and the concept of Tuesday. Defense analysts caution that true burden-sharing will require the three nations to survive at least one joint military exercise without re-litigating who invited whom, though they add the group photo itself, taken with admirable unity and zero visible daggers, is already being called the most successful part of the entire summit.