SENATE HEROICALLY POSTPONES ALL PROBLEMS UNTIL AFTER TANS
Lawmakers pass short-term funding bill, immediately race to airport before anyone can ask about the long-term one.
In a stunning display of bipartisan urgency, the Senate voted overnight to keep the government funded through early December, narrowly avoiding the horror of having to think about the budget for one more day than necessary. The continuing resolution now heads to the House, where members are expected to pass it with the same enthusiasm reserved for signing a permission slip so they can leave the building faster. Sources say the vote was scheduled specifically to wrap before the recess flights boarded, proving once again that nothing moves Congress like a departure gate.
Staffers were seen wheeling recess roll-aboards through the Capitol, several stuffed with novelty 'Do Not Shutdown' mugs purchased in bulk from the gift shop, while a whiteboard in a nearby conference room still read 'ACTUAL BUDGET = TBD (after tans).' A Senate aide, requesting anonymity to speak candidly about institutional pride, called the timing 'a bipartisan personal best.' 'We've never kicked the can with this much runway before the airport security line,' the aide said, adding that leadership is already exploring whether next year's crisis can be punted even earlier, possibly before it exists.
By midafternoon, lawmakers from both parties were photographed high-fiving near the House steps, celebrating a fiscal year that technically still has months of unresolved spending fights baked into it. Asked whether the actual, full-year budget might get addressed before December, one member reportedly laughed, checked a boarding pass, and said 'circle back after Labor Day' — the same phrase, aides confirmed, used in the group chat that finalized this whole plan. As of press time, the government remains funded, the whiteboard remains unerased, and the can remains airborne, expertly kicked toward a December that will arrive whether Congress is ready or not.
