CUBS SWEPT BY TEAM THAT HAS NEVER WON ANYTHING, SOMEHOW A NEW LOW
Wrigleyville mourns as Padres, still chasing their first title ever, finish the job in three.
Chicago's 108-year championship odyssey added a fresh chapter Thursday when the Cubs were swept out of the Wild Card round by a Padres franchise that, in its entire 56-year history, has won exactly zero World Series titles. Bars along Clark Street reported brisk sales of newly printed 'There's Always Next Century' foam fingers, already marked 50% off by the seventh inning of Game 3.
"We've broken curses, survived goats, lived through black cats — I didn't think there was a new kind of disappointment left to invent, and yet here we are," said longtime season-ticket holder and amateur curse historian Denny Okrzesik, staring at a blank October calendar where a parade route used to be. "At least the goat is branching out into adjacent curses. Gotta respect the range."
League analysts noted the Cubs were eliminated in fewer games than it took the Padres to find parking for their team bus, while a Wrigley Field spokesperson insisted the front office remains "fully committed to a rebuild that began, conservatively, in 1909." Meanwhile, across town in the Bronx, Yankees fans were already lining up at print shops for commemorative parade tickets, for a parade that, as of press time, nobody has actually scheduled.
