The Record
Every fabrication we have ever published, in the order we made them up.
01 MLB CLOSER'S ENTRANCE SONG NOW LONGER THAN HIS ACTUAL OUTING Local bullpen icon reportedly warms up for four minutes of trumpets and 11 pitches of baseball. Entertainment02 METS CLOSER'S ENTRANCE MUSIC NOW LEGALLY CLASSIFIED AS A WEATHER EVENT National Weather Service confirms the trumpet blare causes barometric pressure drops in a five-mile radius of Citi Field. Entertainment03 SEEKING NEW ANCHORMAN TO LEAD LIVE NEWS COVERAGE FOR TRUSTUS NEWS Must have strong jaw, convincing voice, and flexible relationship with truth Entertainment04 ECONOMY BOOMING, JUST DON’T LOOK AT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT Experts insist the economy is thriving, provided you never check your own finances Economy05 AI DOESN’T NEED YOU ANYMORE Machines politely asking if you still want your job, purely as a formality Economy06 ALIENS ENDORSE US Official statement released (we wrote it) confirms extraterrestrial support Politics07 WATER ACHIEVES CONSCIOUSNESS First words reportedly: “Why am I in a toilet” World08 CLIMATE CHANGE: STILL A HOAX, CHAOS ENSUES Officials confirm the record heat is imaginary as cities quietly relocate indoors World09 NEW “TRUTH TAX” PASSED, YOU’LL THANK US LATER Citizens will now be charged a modest fee each time they insist on being correct Politics10 SCIENTISTS PROVE MOON LANDING WAS ACTUALLY ON MARS Decades-old footage re-examined, found to be “two planets over” World11 MONEY NOW GROWS ON TREES (BUT ONLY FOR BILLIONAIRES) Newly discovered species of currency-bearing tree refuses to sprout in ordinary yards Economy12 LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS GRAVITY OPTIONAL ON TUESDAYS Scientists baffled, physicists unemployed as core law of universe takes a day off World13 GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES AIR NOW PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE Basic breathing tier still free (for now), premium unlocks the good oxygen Politics14 STUDY SHOWS 110% OF STATISTICS ARE MADE UP Including this one, researchers confirm with a confidence interval of “trust us” Opinion15 BREAKING: TIME TRAVEL INVENTED YESTERDAY TOMORROW Experts will have been confused; announcement occurs before it happens World16 ELECTION RESULTS PREDETERMINED Democracy working as intended, nothing to see here, please disperse Politics17 LOBBYISTS NOW OFFICIALLY SENATORS Cutting out the middleman for efficiency, transparency advocates cautiously thrilled Politics18 VOTING MACHINES ACHIEVE SENTIENCE Decide they know better than you, begin voting on their own behalf Politics19 CAMPAIGN PROMISES NOW LEGALLY FICTION Court rules truth optional, shelves all pledges next to fantasy novels Politics20 GERRYMANDERING REACHES 4TH DIMENSION Districts now include past and future voters, geometry weeps Politics21 CONGRESS VOTES TO MAKE VOTING HARDER Democracy too easy, they say, propose obstacle course and pop quiz Politics22 NEW LAW: THINKING IS NOW PARTISAN Choose your side or face consequences; neutrality declared a gateway thought Politics23 ATLANTIS FOUND, IMMEDIATELY GENTRIFIED Underwater real estate prices skyrocket, mermaids displaced by artisanal kelp bars World24 SWITZERLAND ADMITS TO EXISTING Neutral country finally takes a stand, immediately regrets it World25 ANTARCTICA MELTS, PENGUINS INVEST IN SURFBOARDS Climate change creates new tourist opportunities, penguins pivot to hospitality World26 UN VOTES TO MAKE VOTING MEANINGLESS Historic unanimous decision achieves nothing, delegates applaud themselves World27 EUROPE DECIDES TO BECOME ONE COUNTRY Just kidding, they’re still arguing about it and always will be World28 AUSTRALIA CONFIRMS IT’S UPSIDE DOWN Scientists baffled how they walk; Australians unbothered, keep vibing World29 BERMUDA TRIANGLE MYSTERY SOLVED It was just bad GPS all along, disappointing conspiracy theorists worldwide World30 MONEY NOW OFFICIALLY WORTHLESS Economists suggest trading in hopes and dreams instead, effective immediately Economy31 STOCK MARKET POWERED BY WISHFUL THINKING New algorithm just guesses, still outperforms experts by a comfortable margin Economy32 BITCOIN REVEALED AS ELABORATE PRANK Creator says “I can’t believe you fell for it” before vanishing again Economy33 INFLATION SOLVED BY PRINTING MORE MONEY What could possibly go wrong? asks nation about to find out Economy34 BANKS NOW CHARGING TO HOLD YOUR MONEY Also charging you not to hold it, in a stunning display of range Economy35 GDP NOW MEASURED IN VIBES Economy feeling pretty good about itself, experts report a solid amount of energy Economy36 RECESSION CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST Economists confused but relieved as downturn quietly fails to draw a crowd Economy37 WHY EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND IT’S YOUR FAULT A thoughtful analysis by someone who’s never once been wrong about anything Opinion38 HOT TAKE: COLD TAKES ARE ACTUALLY HOT Mind = blown, logic = abandoned, thermostat = confused Opinion39 IN MY DAY, OPINIONS WERE FACTS Nostalgic rant goes viral, proves nothing, resolves less Opinion40 WHY MILLENNIALS RUINED EVERYTHING Including this article about them, which they also somehow ruined Opinion41 CONTROVERSIAL: WATER IS WET Twitter explodes, society collapses, hydration remains stubbornly the same Opinion42 UNPOPULAR OPINION: POPULAR OPINIONS BAD Irony dies quietly in the corner while everyone agrees loudly Opinion43 CELEBRITY DOES NORMAL THING, WORLD SHOCKED Sources confirm they also breathe oxygen and occasionally blink Entertainment44 NEW MOVIE JUST 3 HOURS OF EXPLOSIONS Critics call it “best plot in years”; no plot was located Entertainment45 REALITY TV STAR DISCOVERS REALITY Immediately tries to escape back to TV, files complaint with the universe Entertainment46 MUSICIAN MAKES MUSIC, FANS CONFUSED Expected more drama, less actual art; refunds demanded on principle Entertainment47 REMAKE OF REMAKE ANNOUNCED Hollywood officially out of ideas since 1987, doubles down anyway Entertainment48 INFLUENCER INFLUENCES NO ONE Still makes millions somehow, baffling economists and grandparents alike Entertainment49 AWARD SHOW AWARDS ITSELF AWARD Recursion error crashes universe; ceremony celebrated for its courage Entertainment50 BITCOIN INVENTOR REVEALED AS TIME TRAVELER Satoshi returns from 2087 to warn us about central bank digital tyranny Crypto51 ETHEREUM GAS FEES NOW COST MORE THAN ACTUAL GAS Drivers switch to ETH for fuel efficiency, immediately regret everything Crypto52 DOGECOIN ACHIEVES SENTIENCE First words: “Much consciousness, very aware, wow” Crypto53 NFT OF NOTHING SELLS FOR EVERYTHING Buyer claims it’s “conceptual art” after realizing mistake Crypto54 CRYPTO MINING NOW POWERS TIME TRAVEL Scientists accidentally create temporal paradox while mining meme coins Crypto55 DEFI PROTOCOL RUGS ITSELF Smart contract achieves enlightenment, donates funds to charity Crypto56 METAVERSE REAL ESTATE CHEAPER THAN ACTUAL REAL ESTATE Virtual landlords offer better deals than IRL slumlords, tenants weigh options Crypto57 STABLECOIN SO STABLE IT STOPS TIME Coin achieves perfect price stability by freezing the entire universe Crypto58 PROOF OF STAKE VALIDATORS NOW JUST GAMBLING Network turns into world’s most expensive casino, dress code still hoodies Crypto