AI FIRM'S TRILLION-DOLLAR VALUATION RESTS ENTIRELY ON SPREADSHEET CELL READING 'INSERT MIRACLE HERE'

Wall Street bankers preparing a record-setting IPO for an artificial intelligence company have reportedly based the entire valuation model on a single spreadsheet cell that simply reads 'insert miracle here,' according to sources familiar with a forecasting process one analyst described as 'aggressively optimistic in the way a lottery ticket is aggressively optimistic.' The company currently generates roughly $47 billion in annual revenue but projects $190 to $200 billion by 2028, a leap that required underwriters to invent a new category of math tentatively called 'vibes-adjusted EBITDA.'

The 400-slide banker deck reportedly includes a section titled 'Competition' that consists entirely of a blank white square labeled 'N/A (assumed),' reflecting the model's confident assertion that no rival chatbot, open-source alternative, or regulator will ever again interfere with anything. 'The math is rigorous,' explained one lead underwriter, adjusting his tie in a manner suggesting he had rehearsed this exact sentence in a mirror. 'You take this year's number, multiply it by four, and then politely refuse follow-up questions. It's the same model we used for scooter startups, several of which are now landfill.'

Skeptics have noted the forecast assumes zero new competitors, zero regulatory friction, and zero chance that a college sophomore builds a comparable chatbot in a garage by Tuesday afternoon, a risk one venture capitalist dismissed as 'not really a variable we track, mostly because tracking it would ruin the slide.' Investors reportedly remain undeterred, with one describing the valuation logic as 'extremely sound, in the sense that it is extremely loud and everyone has agreed to stop asking what it means.' The IPO is expected to proceed on schedule, with the miracle cell reportedly still under active development.