AI FIRM VALUES ITSELF USING NUMBERS THAT DO NOT EXIST YET
Bankers reportedly multiply a guess by a vibe, then round up to a record-breaking IPO.
Investment bankers preparing what could be the largest tech IPO in history confirmed this week that the entire valuation rests on a 2028 revenue projection currently residing somewhere between 'aspirational' and 'fan fiction.' The number, north of $190 billion, was arrived at using a proprietary methodology insiders describe as 'multiplying the current run-rate by conviction, then dividing by doubt.' A footnote buried on page 41 of the pitch deck reportedly clarifies that the model assumes every human being, household pet, and smart refrigerator on Earth purchases two subscriptions each and apologizes for the first.
'People hear the phrase run-rate and their whole body changes,' said one banker structuring the deal, requesting anonymity because he has not yet finished making the projections up. 'Retail investors don't need to know what it means. They need to know where to click. We could tell them run-rate means the speed at which money enters a room and they'd still ask for more allocation.' The banker added that comparisons to Palantir, Cloudflare, and SpaceX were chosen specifically because none of them can be used to disprove anything.
Retail investors reached for comment were uniformly enthusiastic and uniformly unable to define the term anchoring their enthusiasm. 'I don't know what run-rate is, but I know I want more of it,' said one man who has already increased his position twice this week based on a chart he described as 'going up, presumably forever.' Economists cautioned that basing a $200 billion valuation on unearned future revenue is unusual, though they conceded it is at least more honest than basing it on earned past revenue and hoping nobody checks.
