FLORIDA HOLDS 'REAL' ELECTION, WILL HOLD A CEREMONIAL ONE IN NOVEMBER JUST TO BE POLITE
With a crowded GOP primary to replace DeSantis, the general election is now mostly a scheduling formality with better catering.
Voters across Florida crowded polling stations Tuesday for what election officials are calling 'the election that matters,' a sprawling Republican primary to succeed term-limited Gov. Ron DeSantis that functionally decides the state's next governor months before anyone bothers voting again in November. Turnout was described as 'suspiciously enthusiastic for a dress rehearsal,' with several precincts running out of 'I Voted' stickers by 10 a.m. and one running out of the will to pretend the fall race is competitive.
In Miami-Dade, a lone registered Democrat was spotted wandering a polling place for nearly forty minutes asking a volunteer where the write-in line was, and was handed a 'Poll Worker Needs Water?' vest twice by well-meaning staff who assumed no other explanation fit. 'I just want my vote to theoretically count for something,' he said, before being redirected to a table with clipboards and a cooler. Alaska, meanwhile, held its own top-four primary featuring a genuinely competitive Senate race, which pollsters noted was 'unsettling, like finding out your calm neighbor is training for a marathon.'
State elections spokesperson Marcy Dunn confirmed the November general will still proceed as scheduled, out of what she called 'institutional courtesy.' 'The general is more of a formality, like a wedding toast after the marriage already happened and the cake is gone,' Dunn said. 'We still print the ballots, we still count the ballots, we just already know who's giving the toast.' Wyoming also voted Tuesday, though officials admitted they weren't entirely sure why it was national news.
