AMERICA'S NEWEST TERRITORY HAS NO RESIDENTS, NO ROADS, AND OCCASIONAL EXPLOSIONS
Homeland Security unveils passport stamp for the Strait of Hormuz, citing 'great water views' and 'mostly open' status.
The White House confirmed Tuesday that the Strait of Hormuz, a 21-mile-wide shipping lane Iran insists it currently controls, is now U.S. territory according to a map posted online, making it America's first acquisition to come pre-loaded with mines and a standing threat of closure. Customs and Border Protection has already drafted a 'Strait of Hormuz Visitor Declaration' form asking tanker captains to list any explosives they intend to bring home as souvenirs.
A State Department cartographer, speaking anonymously because he was told not to speak at all, confirmed the map is 'technically accurate if you squint and ignore several warships.' Homeland Security has broken ground on a visitor's center that no vessel can safely reach without a naval escort, and is fast-tracking a commemorative passport stamp. 'It's beautiful real estate if you ignore the mines,' said cartography liaison Denise Fothergill. 'And the stamp is already at the printer.'
Local tanker captains report confusion over whether they now owe U.S. property taxes on a strait they merely pass through while praying, and oil markets have responded to the territorial dispute the way oil markets respond to everything: by getting more expensive. A Pentagon spokesman clarified that the new territory comes with 'free' 24/7 naval protection, 'the same way your car insurance is free until you actually need it.'
