BANK INSISTS CLOSING 300 TRUMP ACCOUNTS TOTALLY ROUTINE, ALSO TOTALLY A COINCIDENCE
Capital One says its anti-money-laundering review just happened to land on one former president's empire in one specific year.
In sworn court filings this week, Capital One reaffirmed that its 2021 decision to shutter more than 300 accounts tied to the Trump Organization was a purely mechanical compliance exercise, unconnected to who owned the accounts, what they were named, or what was happening in the news that year. 'We do this to former presidents all the time,' said fictional Senior Compliance Officer Denise Halloway, sweating through a blazer despite the studio air conditioning. 'It's practically a seasonal ritual. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, if the swallows were 300 accounts belonging to one specific guy.'
Halloway explained that the bank's algorithm flags 'unusual risk patterns,' which she clarified do not include 'being a former president currently at the center of several ongoing controversies,' before excusing herself to get water. Legal analysts note the timing is almost certainly meaningless, in the same way that it's meaningless when a parked car gets towed the one day you forgot to feed the meter and also insulted the tow company on television.
