SMITHSONIAN UNVEILS BALD EAGLE MADE ENTIRELY OF DINOSAUR BONES

Following the announcement that longtime Secretary Lonnie Bunch will step down after seven years — and a White House report faulting the museum for insufficiently vibes-based history — the Smithsonian has begun an emergency rebrand. The centerpiece: a Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton disassembled and reassembled into a 40-foot bald eagle, wings spread, talons clutching a gift shop coupon. The old plaque reading 'Apex Predator, Cretaceous Period' has been replaced with one reading 'Would Have Supported Infrastructure.'

Curators say the retrofit doesn't stop there. Every exhibit now triggers a brief burst of fireworks sound effects when visitors approach anything flag-adjacent, and wall text throughout the museum has been condensed to single words like 'Winning' and 'Freedom (Probably).' The Ancient Egypt wing, once accused of 'ambiguous framing,' now simply displays a pyramid next to a treadmill with a sign reading 'They Would Have Loved Capitalism.'

The showpiece of the new direction is the Hall of Unambiguous Greatness, which museum officials confirm is a single room containing a mirror, a taxidermied eagle, and a plaque that says 'You.' 'We're exploring interpretive enhancements,' said Smithsonian interim voice Avery Quinn. 'Early focus groups found the new hall very unifying and extremely low on wall text. Nobody left confused, mostly because nobody had to read anything.' Quinn added that a companion exhibit, 'History: It Was Fine, Actually,' opens next spring, pending final approval from a committee that has never read a primary source but has strong feelings about them.