HARVARD CAN'T LOCATE ITS OWN HIRING SPREADSHEET, CITES 'HOLISTIC' STORAGE METHOD
The university that demands 650 words of childhood trauma from applicants says its own paperwork is simply too nuanced to produce.
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has sued Harvard University to force the release of faculty hiring data as part of a probe into alleged bias against white male candidates, after the school's lawyers argued the requested records exist primarily as 'holistic impressions' rather than, say, a spreadsheet. Court filings indicate the data in question is kept in a locked cabinet labeled 'nuance,' the key to which no current employee can locate, possibly due to turnover, possibly due to feng shui.
'We apply the same transparency to federal subpoenas that we apply to legacy admissions — careful, contextual, and preferably never,' said an unnamed Harvard counsel, adjusting a tie embroidered with the university's motto. 'The numbers are diverse in their resistance to production. Surely a federal agency can appreciate context the way we ask seventeen-year-olds to.' An EEOC official countered that the agency is simply requesting Harvard hold itself to the same rigorous, invasive, no-stone-unturned standard of disclosure it applies to every anxious high schooler's extracurricular résumé.
Meanwhile, Harvard's diversity office has reportedly requested its own diversity consultant to help staff process the emotional toll of being investigated for a lack of diversity, a request the university approved within 48 hours, a turnaround time notably faster than its response to the subpoena. 'It's a painful irony,' said the consultant, who bills hourly. 'They've spent decades teaching the world to show its work. Now they're the kid who says the dog ate the spreadsheet — and the dog is also tenured.'
