HISTORIC PEACE DEAL REACHED; EVERYONE AGREES TO DISAGREE ON WHO GOES FIRST
Every phase of the Gaza disarmament plan has been settled except the phase where anything actually happens.
The Board of Peace unveiled what it calls 'the most agreed-upon disagreement in Middle East history' Thursday: a comprehensive, fully-signed, universally-endorsed peace framework in which every party has consented to every term except the order in which any of it occurs. The 47-page sequencing flowchart, obtained by TrustUs News, traces a beautiful path through disarmament, withdrawal, and reconstruction before terminating in a single blank box labeled 'TBD by mutual stubbornness.'
'The phases are fully agreed upon,' explained Board of Peace spokesman Terrence Aldwich, gesturing at a laminated org chart no one in the region has actually looked at. 'The order of the phases is what we call a living document, currently on life support. Everyone loves the plan. Nobody will start the plan. It's less a ceasefire than the world's tensest game of after-you at a revolving door.' Sources close to both delegations confirmed each side has physically backed toward the exit while insisting, with great warmth, that the other side please proceed first.
Ron Rugundy, dabbing at his eyes with what he insisted was a ceremonial peace-accord napkin, called it 'a triumph of paperwork over actual sequencing' and 'the closest mankind has come to achieving consensus on the concept of consensus itself.' 'I'm not going to sugarcoat this,' he added, staring directly into the camera for eleven full seconds. 'I don't know how. Frankly I don't know how to sequence a sandwich right now, let alone a ceasefire. But by God, the flowchart is gorgeous, and gorgeous is a start.' As of press time, the doorway remains occupied by both parties, several diplomats, and one increasingly confused UN observer, all gesturing politely for the other to walk through.
