ECONOMY SLOWS AS AMERICANS HEROICALLY BUY EVERYONE ELSE'S STUFF
Q2 GDP growth crawled to 1.5% as inflation lingered and patriots imported their patriotism from overseas.
The Commerce Department confirmed Thursday that the U.S. economy grew at a sluggish 1.5% annualized rate in the second quarter, missing expectations as inflation stayed stubbornly above target and imports surged to levels not seen since the last time everyone decided domestic manufacturing was somebody else's problem. Economists called it 'a mixed report.' Ron Rugundy called it 'a national embarrassment wrapped in a foreign-made flag, which, it turns out, is literally what happened.'
Data show the import spike was led by record shipments of foreign-manufactured American flags, 'Buy Local' yard signs, and novelty bald eagle statues, all purchased in a heroic show of domestic pride that somehow required none of it to be made domestically. 'Rising imports simply mean households still have money,' said Deborah Fenwick, spokesperson for the Bureau of Vaguely Reassuring Statistics, cheerfully. 'Please do not ask what that does to the scoreboard.' Ron did ask what that does to the scoreboard, repeatedly, on air, to no one.
Mortgage rates climbed, energy markets wobbled, and the Federal Reserve remained cautious in the way a man remains cautious after already touching the stove twice. 'I'm not going to sugarcoat this,' Ron said, adjusting his mustache with visible national concern. 'I don't know how. I looked into sugar. It's imported.' He then urged all viewers to buy American before cutting, without irony, to a fifteen-second spot for a German luxury sedan he personally leases.
