BARCELONA FINDS ANOTHER €76.5 MILLION IN COUCH AUDITORS SWEAR DOES NOT EXIST
Club famous for owing everyone money somehow keeps outbidding everyone who has money.
FC Barcelona announced Tuesday it has secured financing for a reported €76.5 million deal to sign Manchester City's Rodri, using a funding mechanism the club described as "creative" and outside auditors described as "a crime scene we are choosing not to investigate." The financing structure reportedly hinges on a future stadium naming-rights residual, a mystery third-party investment fund based somewhere sunny, and a player swap involving a midfielder currently on loan to himself.
"The numbers are sustainable," said club treasury spokesman Oriol Serra, adjusting a tie that appeared to be made of unpaid invoices. "Once you stop using the traditional definition of sustainable and start using ours, which is more of a feeling than a math." Serra added that the club's finance department operates on a system best described as "jazz," and that anyone asking for a itemized ledger is, frankly, missing the romance of the sport.
Manchester City has reportedly accepted the fee while privately wondering how a club that cannot pay its electric bill keeps out-negotiating a club that owns a small country's water supply. Rodri, for his part, is said to be thrilled about the move to Barcelona, and even more thrilled to have specified in his contract that he be paid immediately, in full, before anyone opens the couch cushions to check.
