DEMOCRATS SPEND $80 MILLION TO DETERMINE WHICH DEMOCRAT LOSES MICHIGAN WITH DIGNITY
Progressive and moderate wings agree on 90% of policy, spend nine figures fighting over the other 10%.
Michigan Democrats went to the polls Tuesday in what election analysts are calling the most expensive intramural scrimmage in party history, as progressive darling Abdul El-Sayed and establishment favorite Rep. Haley Stevens spent a combined $80 million convincing voters that the other one is secretly a Republican. The winner earns the privilege of facing Trump-backed Mike Rogers in November, a contest strategists describe as 'the real primary, except this time everyone has to actually agree with each other.'
A DNC strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity because the party's internal Slack channel is reportedly on fire, explained the strategy behind burning through nine figures on a single nomination. 'The goal was never party unity,' the strategist said. 'The goal was bleeding out slowly enough that the base feels heard, the donors feel spent, and the eventual nominee limps into the general too exhausted to explain what they actually believe.' Asked if this was a sustainable model for winning swing states, the strategist requested a second glass of chardonnay and did not answer.
