PRESIDENT ESCAPES NATO SUMMIT UNDER WARMING LAMP, SOURCES CONFIRM
The leader of the free world left Turkey the way leftover chicken leaves a hotel kitchen: under a cloche, on a cart, hoping no one asks for a receipt.
Details emerged this week that the President departed last month's NATO summit not aboard the gleaming symbol of American might known as Air Force One, but tucked inside a rolling airport catering cart whose warming drawer was, at the time, still set to 'poultry.' Witnesses report the handoff briefly smelled of rosemary and contingency planning, and that a single dinner roll escaped containment during the transfer, rolling several unsupervised feet across the tarmac before being recovered by an intern with a security clearance well above his pay grade.
The Secret Service has since confirmed the maneuver, officially designated the 'catering vector,' as a matter of standard doctrine going forward. 'The catering vector retains an 87% success rate against foreign intelligence services and a perfect record against flight attendants who just want to know if anyone ordered the pasta,' said a Secret Service spokesman, who declined to confirm whether the President tipped, or whether the tip was reported as a campaign expenditure. Analysts note the method's chief vulnerability remains a hungry world leader eyeing the cart himself.
Delta Air Lines has reportedly requested the entire protocol be classified after several of its meal carts began drawing suspicious glances from coach passengers convinced they'd smelled cologne and executive privilege wafting from the aisle. A Delta representative, speaking on condition of anonymity befitting a matter of grave national interest, said the airline is 'fully cooperating' but would like it on record that the chicken option was never actually that good to begin with.
