PRESIDENT ESCAPES IRAN THREAT VIA CATERING CONTAINER, SANDWICH GUYS LEFT HOLDING THE BAG
Secret Service confirms shrimp cocktail continued on schedule while commander in chief exited stage left in a lunch cart.
The most powerful man on Earth reportedly evaded a credible missile threat out of Turkey by riding a catering container off Air Force One, leaving press corps, staffers, and an unspecified amount of deli meat to serve as an unwitting decoy at 40,000 feet. Passengers on the original flight say the meal service continued exactly as planned, meaning someone, somewhere, plated a shrimp cocktail directly beside a presidential body double constructed entirely of leftover talking points.
Reporters aboard the decoy jet say they suspected nothing beyond the usual complaints about legroom and a slightly stale roll, unaware they had been quietly upgraded to 'human shield with a boarding pass.' One veteran White House correspondent said he only realized something was off when the in-flight Wi-Fi worked suspiciously well for a plane nobody with actual launch codes was on. The catering staff, for their part, have not commented, largely because nobody thought to tell them they were also part of the mission.
A Secret Service spokesperson issued a statement calling the maneuver 'standard protocol,' which historians immediately flagged as the most unsettling sentence in the history of executive travel. 'We rotate world leaders through beverage carts all the time,' the statement continued, 'it's less about secrecy and more about which container has the best legroom.' When asked how many prior flights involved a sitting president crouched near the cocktail sauce, the spokesperson simply refilled a bowl of dinner rolls and walked away.
