STRAIT OF HORMUZ STUCK AT 94% REOPENED FOR 47TH CONSECUTIVE DAY, PROGRESS BAR REFUSES TO BUDGE
Iran says the waterway will fully unlock the moment the US fires its own HOA, rewrites the bylaws, and apologizes for existing.
Global oil markets have entered week eleven of what analysts are calling 'the world's most expensive game of almost,' as Iran continues to describe the Strait of Hormuz as a deal that is 'close but insufficient,' a phrase traders have started tattooing on their forearms for reference during panic attacks. A tentative shipping-lane arrangement with Oman is reportedly finished, laminated, and sitting on a desk somewhere, waiting on a longer list of American concessions that grows by roughly one demand every time somebody says the word 'progress' out loud.
Gulf mediator Rashid al-Fayez, appearing calm for a man who has said the phrase 'we're very close' in fourteen consecutive languages, confirmed that talks remain constructive. 'Close but insufficient is the diplomatic equivalent of the check is in the mail,' al-Fayez explained, adjusting a lanyard that reads WORLD'S OKAYEST NEGOTIATOR. 'The final final offer still has several more finals left in it. Think of it less as a deadline and more as a suggestion with a due date attached for flavor.'
A leaked progress-tracker graphic obtained by regional shipping desks shows the strait frozen at 94% reopened, with a tiny Omani flag emoji spinning in the corner like a browser that will never finish loading. Oil traders have reportedly begun installing cots, mini-fridges, and in one case a small shrine near their terminals, noting the waterway has now been 'about to reopen' longer than several of their marriages actually lasted. 'We were told this was almost done back when gas was ten cents cheaper,' said one trader, staring blankly at a candle he lit for Q3 earnings. 'At this point I'd accept partial credit and a coupon.'
