2,100-YEAR-OLD ROMAN CARGO SHIP FOUND WITH BETTER DELIVERY RECORD THAN AMAZON

Off the coast of Sicily, divers discovered a Roman shipwreck dating back over two millennia, its hundreds of amphorae still neatly stacked in rows so tidy that modern warehouse managers reportedly wept upon seeing photos. The vessel, resting 46 meters below the surface, appears to have kept its cargo fully intact for 2,100 years — a logistics streak no shipping carrier has managed since the invention of the phrase 'due to unforeseen circumstances.'

Marine archaeologist Dr. Sofia Rinaldi, who examined the wreck, noted that the amphorae were arranged with a precision suggesting the crew followed what she called 'an ancient packing checklist, in flawless Latin, organized by weight and destination.' 'Their supply chain outlived their entire civilization,' Rinaldi said. 'Frankly, that's rude to every container ship currently circling outside Long Beach waiting for a berth. FedEx should be taking notes instead of signatures.'

Historians caution that the ship likely benefited from having no tracking app to falsely claim it was 'out for delivery' for six consecutive days, and no customer service line to explain that the amphorae were 'experiencing a delay at a regional facility.' Local officials say the wreck will be preserved for further study, while several logistics executives have reportedly inquired whether the ancient crew is available for consulting work.