MAN GIVEN LITERAL CHEAT CODE STILL LOSES PRIMARY
Local officials confirm the Trump endorsement does, in fact, have an off switch, and one congressman just found it.
In what political scientists are calling a statistical impossibility on par with losing a coin flip to yourself, Rep. Andy Ogles managed to lose his Republican primary despite receiving an endorsement widely regarded as electoral god mode. Party insiders describe the endorsement as normally functioning like an invincibility star in a video game — untouchable, glowing, background music speeds up — yet Ogles reportedly found a way to walk it directly into a volcano.
Challenger Charlie Hatcher, meanwhile, ran a campaign built entirely around the electrifying promise of 'my binder of subpoenas is currently empty,' a claim he reportedly backed up with a laminated printout he waved at rallies like a diploma. Voters, apparently starved for the wild novelty of a candidate not currently entangled in some kind of inquiry, responded enthusiastically. 'It was refreshing,' said one primary voter. 'I didn't know that was still an option.'
'We genuinely did not know the endorsement had an off switch,' said local party official Ray Tolliver, shaking his head at what he called a rare software glitch in an otherwise flawless system. 'He fumbled a loaded cheat code in god mode. That takes a special kind of talent.' Analysts confirm the endorsement remains fully operational everywhere else in the country, and are already investigating whether Tennessee's 5th District is simply cursed, unplugged, or just built different.
