PENTAGON STRIPS FORMER OFFICIAL'S CLEARANCE OVER PLANE FACTS, INSISTS NUKES ARE 'FINE'
Officials confirm napkin thread count, not warhead yields, is now the nation's most closely guarded secret.
The Pentagon this week revoked the security clearance of a former Air Force Secretary, citing a revocation letter that specifically names 'unauthorized disclosure of window-shade opacity settings' as a core violation, alongside general chattiness about a certain presidential aircraft. Nuclear launch protocols remain, for now, rated slightly less sensitive than curtain hardware.
"The seating chart alone is SCI-level," said fictional Pentagon security spokesman Col. (ret.) Marcus Dill, adjusting a lanyard that appeared to have more clearance than most three-star generals. "You start talking legroom, recline angle, whether the good silverware comes out for foreign dignitaries — that's not gossip, that's a hostile intelligence roadmap. Frankly the man's lucky we didn't revoke his passport too."
Dill confirmed the department is now reviewing whether anyone who has ever watched the in-flight safety video, requested a blanket, or asked a flight attendant 'so what's the WiFi situation up here' should also be flagged for enhanced screening. Asked whether troop movement details were being similarly locked down, Dill paused, checked his badge, and said, "Sure, sure, that too, probably, focus, the window shades."
