NATION'S WATER SUPPLY DEFENDED BY GARY AND A LAMINATED CARD
Suspected Iran-linked hackers breach municipal water systems in a dozen states, exposing a national defense strategy built entirely on one guy named Gary.
Federal officials confirmed this week that suspected Iran-linked hackers targeted water and wastewater systems across at least twelve states, in what cybersecurity experts are calling a serious escalation and what several utility directors are calling 'the first time anyone's checked.' Multiple facilities were forced into what officials described as 'manual operations,' a phrase that turned out to mean a maintenance worker named Gary physically turning a valve by hand, the same way it's been done since 1948, because the backup plan for the backup plan was also Gary.
A CISA advisory following the breach recommended utilities 'change default passwords,' a suggestion that inadvertently revealed several facilities had never gotten around to it, still running on the factory setting or a sticky note taped inside a supply closet since 2011. One plant's entire failover protocol was reportedly a laminated index card reading 'CALL GARY' followed by his home phone number, a document now believed to be the single most load-bearing piece of critical infrastructure in the region. 'We have transitioned to manual operations,' one utility director confirmed, 'which is a fancy way of saying Gary is turning the valve and would like hazard pay recognized as a national security line item.'
Gary, reached at the plant between shifts, said he was surprised to learn he now qualifies as critical national security infrastructure but was not surprised at all to learn his employer still hasn't changed the router password. 'I've been asking for a raise since before the geopolitics started,' Gary said. 'Nobody listened until Iran did.' Officials say additional advisories are forthcoming, though several facilities have reportedly already responded by laminating a second card, just in case something happens to Gary.
