FDA HIRES FOURTH HEAD COACH SINCE ANYONE STARTED COUNTING

The White House introduced Dr. Heidi Overton as its nominee to lead the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, in a press conference that featured a podium, a fresh nameplate, and the same six words every FDA commissioner has used since the position apparently started coming with a rotisserie clause. 'I am committed to restoring public trust in this agency,' Overton said, reading from a script that staffers admitted was largely recycled from the last three welcome speeches with the font size increased for urgency.

The agency's new-hire packet now reportedly includes a dry-erase org chart, a box of assorted whiteboard markers, and a nameplate with a peel-off backing described internally as being 'for ease of future transitions.' Career staff say they've stopped updating the employee directory in ink altogether, opting instead for a laminated pencil-and-eraser system that one junior analyst compared to 'a substitute teacher's seating chart, except the substitute keeps getting replaced too.' Building security has reportedly requested commissioners simply badge in with a temp visitor pass going forward.

'Dr. Overton is committed to stability at an agency that has recently favored momentum,' said White House health adviser Cole Brennan, delivering the line with the practiced calm of a man who has now written this quote four separate times. Brennan added that the administration remains confident this hire will stick 'the way the last three were also going to stick,' before conceding that the FDA's front-office turnover has become brisk enough that ESPN reportedly inquired about carrying it as a coaching-carousel segment. Overton, for her part, said she looks forward to a long tenure, a sentence agency veterans greeted with the same warm, knowing silence reserved for a rookie who hasn't yet seen the depth chart.