EUROPE SOLVES BORDER CRISIS BY THREATENING COUNTRY WITH THE BORDER
Italy and Finland demand Spain be suspended from Schengen for the crime of noticing 50,000 people swam past its fence.
Spanish troops spent the week processing an emergency arrival of tens of thousands of people into Ceuta, some swimming, some climbing, all technically ruining what had been a very peaceful stretch of paperwork-based coexistence. In response, Italy and Finland have proposed the one countermeasure guaranteed to solve nothing: kicking Spain out of the club that lets Europeans cross borders without a passport check, on the grounds that Spain's border was, however briefly, extremely visible.
An emergency Schengen working group is reportedly drafting a replacement for physical fencing: a strongly worded PDF that arriving migrants must digitally acknowledge before swimming around it, ensuring full legal compliance is achieved at the exact moment it becomes irrelevant. 'Schengen suspension is a serious step we only consider when a member state is inconveniently overwhelmed rather than convincingly calm about it,' explained Commissioner Henrik Solvang, Undersecretary for Continental Vibes. 'Free movement remains sacred, provided the movement stays fashionably low-volume and does not require us to notice the Mediterranean.'
Ron Rugundy, gripping his desk like it owed him money, delivered the verdict from behind a mustache trembling with continental disappointment. 'Spain sent troops. Italy sent a strongly worded press release. Truly, unity in action,' he intoned. 'I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I don't know how. I also don't know what Schengen is, but I'm reliably told it's very upset.'
