CONGRESS DRAFTS NEW ETHICS CODE, SAME ENTHUSIASM LEVEL AS A GYM MEMBERSHIP SIGN-UP
Bipartisan bill promises strict accountability, renews in name only, enforcement remains theoretical.
Lawmakers returning from recess are expected to unveil a sweeping ethics overhaul aimed at addressing misconduct in the chamber, provided no one asks what 'accountability' means before the cameras turn off. Aides describe the bill as enjoying 'broad, almost spiritual' support among members, most of whom agree in principle that ethics are good and violating them is, on balance, less good. The specifics remain under negotiation, mostly because specifics are where bipartisan support goes to die.
Complicating the drafting process, congressional staff discovered that roughly half of the bill's 'strict penalties' section had been accidentally written by AI autocomplete during a late-night session, and that the machine-generated version was, by every available metric, clearer and more enforceable than the human draft. Several members reportedly asked if the AI could also handle the loopholes, on the theory that a computer might at least be embarrassed by them. The final text is expected to blend both authors seamlessly, in the sense that neither will be held to it.
'Members strongly support accountability,' said invented leadership aide Tom Weller, 'especially the kind that applies mainly to the other caucus and expires at the next recess.' The bill is projected to pass committee with fanfare, stall quietly in caucus, and resurface in roughly three years under a new name, featuring the same loopholes, a fresh preamble, and, if trends hold, an even more articulate AI ghostwriter.
