TENNESSEE HOLDS EXPENSIVE CEREMONY TO CONFIRM THING EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW

Tennessee taxpayers footed the bill for a statewide primary Tuesday to formally ratify what pollsters, donors, and Blackburn's own dry cleaner had known since roughly 2023: she was going to win. The senator cruised past Rep. John Rose and a third challenger whose campaign reportedly consisted entirely of a single Facebook event titled 'Possibly Running?' that drew three RSVPs, two of them bots. Sources say both losing candidates first learned the true scope of their defeat while listening to their own concession speeches.

'This is democracy operating at peak efficiency—why spoil the suspense with actual competition?' said GOP strategist Elaine Crowe, calling the margin 'a nail-biter if you squint and ignore arithmetic.' Crowe added that the state considered skipping the primary entirely and simply mailing Blackburn the job, but decided against it because 'the yard signs create jobs.' Election officials confirmed that ballots were counted, recounted, and then counted a third time out of what one clerk described as 'muscle memory.'

Meanwhile, Democrat Jerri Green bravely agreed to appear on the November ballot as well, a move insiders are calling 'gutsy' and 'procedurally required.' Green is expected to campaign vigorously across all 95 counties in a race analysts already have penciled in under 'Formality.' 'Every vote counts,' Green told supporters, prompting several attendees to quietly check what month the general election actually falls in.