ORIOLES TRADE FRANCHISE CATCHER FOR SEALED ENVELOPE OF FUTURE VIBES
Baltimore ships All-Star Adley Rutschman to Boston for prospects, promise, and one handwritten IOU dated 2031.
In a move that stunned absolutely no one who has watched Baltimore sports since roughly the Clinton administration, the Orioles traded away their franchise catcher to the Red Sox for a package described by team officials as 'high-ceiling, low-certainty, and legally binding in theory.' The return includes two pitching prospects, an outfielder who is reportedly 'fast,' and a single handwritten note that reads: 'Good player. Approximately 2031. Weather permitting.'
'We acquired significant upside, and also grief counseling for the fan base,' said fictional Orioles GM Miles Longhaul, adjusting a tie loosened specifically for this press conference. 'Both are long-term assets. One of them just needs a little more seasoning. Also braces. He's fourteen.' Orioles fans, meanwhile, have reportedly settled into a hybrid grief state somewhere between 'prospect optimism' and 'existential despair,' a stage psychologists are now calling 'Baltimore.'
