ARKANSAS STATE PARK LETS MEN DIG OWN SEVERANCE PACKAGE OUT OF COW PASTURE FOR $15

Crater of Diamonds State Park confirmed this week that Navy reservist Jack Pearadin's 6.03-carat discovery, livestreamed to a TikTok chat that spammed diamond emojis the entire time he was still on his knees wiping the rock on his jeans, is now the largest find at the park this year out of more than 37,000 since 1972. Collectors have floated a valuation north of $1 million, though one appraiser quietly suggested closer to a quarter of that, a discrepancy park officials say will be resolved democratically by whichever number gets more views before the gemologist finishes his sentence.

Park spokesperson Deb Clarridge said attendance has surged 400% since the livestream, overwhelmingly from men she described as wanting to 'feel something again.' 'We sell the dirt separately from the bucket,' Clarridge said. 'The bucket is just a bucket. The hope is free. We only charge for the fifteen dollars to get in, and then whatever you find in the mud is yours, minus the part of your soul you left digging for it.' She confirmed the park's entire business model is, structurally, letting visitors audition for a severance package they excavate themselves with a plastic shovel.

The gift shop has responded to demand with a new 'Future Millionaire' bucket, sold separately from the dirt, and a sealed jar of 'Certified Unsearched Dirt' for $29.99, marketed to customers who want the dream without the knees. Clarridge said the jar outsells the bucket two to one. 'People don't actually want to find the diamond,' she said. 'They want to own the version of themselves that might.'