ZUCKERBERG OFFERS HUMANITY GODLIKE INTELLIGENCE, ONE PAIR OF GLASSES AT A TIME

In a sprawling 6,500-word essay released this week, the CEO of a company best known for showing you ads for products you whispered about near your phone laid out a bold vision: superintelligence, for everyone, democratized, decentralized, and — according to page 14 — downloadable exclusively through a $299 pair of camera-equipped glasses currently filming your kitchen. The essay warns against the dangers of concentrated power while proposing that the safest possible custodian of god-tier machine cognition is a single trillion-dollar social media company that once let a quiz app harvest your cousin's data for a personality test.

Readers who made it to the appendix were rewarded with a flowchart titled 'Open Superintelligence: How It Works,' which shows that truly open, decentralized superintelligence requires a Meta account, two-factor authentication, and acceptance of an updated privacy policy rendered in a font specifically calibrated to be unreadable by the human eye. A footnote clarifies that 'for everyone' does not include people who close the tab before the free trial ends. 'Superintelligence for everyone means everyone who completes the purchase flow for the glasses,' clarified Meta spokesperson Priya Lang, adding that 'the essay is intentionally longer than the average user's remaining trust in us, so that by the time you finish reading, you'll have forgotten why you were suspicious in the first place.'

Independent researchers note the essay took the average reader 41 minutes to finish, or roughly 39 minutes longer than most people spend deciding whether to let this particular company anywhere near their location data, their microphone, or their unattended toddler's birthday party. Meta says a follow-up essay is already in the works, tentatively titled 'Radical Transparency,' which will reportedly be 8,000 words long and require you to buy a second pair of glasses just to read it.