MAN WHO SAYS 'NO' FOR A LIVING SIGNS $132 MILLION DEAL TO KEEP SAYING IT
Seahawks cornerback Devon Witherspoon now out-earns most CEOs, none of whom have ever erased a man from existence on third down.
The Seattle Seahawks announced a four-year, $132 million extension for cornerback Devon Witherspoon, a man whose entire professional skill set consists of refusing to let other men catch a ball. The deal, which includes over $101 million guaranteed, officially makes Witherspoon the highest-paid defensive back in NFL history, and puts him on pace to out-earn roughly 380 Fortune 500 CEOs, most of whom are contractually obligated to say 'yes' at least occasionally.
'It's a bargain when your job is erasing people from the game film,' said a Seahawks contract architect, who described Witherspoon's ability to make wide receivers statistically disappear as 'undervalued, honestly, given what quarterbacks cost now.' League-wide, agents representing other cornerbacks reportedly began reading the $101 million guaranteed clause aloud to their clients as a bedtime story, while cap analysts quietly revised the definition of 'market correction' to include the phrase 'we just don't know anymore.'
Fans remain split on whether paying a man $33 million a year to stand near someone and prevent joy is smart roster construction or proof the salary cap has become a purely theoretical document. A rival general manager, asked for comment, simply stared at the number for eleven seconds before requesting a new spreadsheet.
