ANTI-VICTIMHOOD MOVEMENT PRODUCES RECORD AMOUNTS OF VICTIMHOOD NARRATIVE, EXPERTS BAFFLED

Publishers confirm a surge in memoirs with titles like 'I Refuse to Be a Victim of My Memoir,' each one a tidy 400 pages documenting, in granular chronological detail, every way the author was once wronged before they stopped letting it define them. One imprint now requires authors to sign an 'agency affidavit' swearing no chapter will blame an ex, a parent, or capitalism — then ships the books with tear-out 'permission to feel briefly sad' coupons in the back matter, valid at participating emotions only.

Agency coach Meredith Kline sells out $400 seminars where attendees are yelled at for ninety minutes about owning their choices, and describe the experience as the most seen they've ever felt by someone screaming at them. 'People keep paying me to tell them their suffering is optional, which is itself a form of optional suffering I'm happy to invoice,' Kline said, promoting her next workbook, provisionally titled 'Own It or Don't, Either Way It's on You,' already available in hardcover, audiobook, and a tearful 12-city grievance tour.

A rival wellness influencer has launched a competing 'Radical Victimhood' retreat specifically to capture the growing market of people exhausted by being told to get over it, offering guided group narration of old wounds with no mandatory resolution and a strict no-growth-arc policy. Early reviews call it 'a relief,' 'finally, someone who lets me finish a sentence about my childhood,' and 'basically the same seminar but nobody's yelling, so I cried less productively.' Both camps report record attendance, and neither can explain why their waiting lists keep growing.