MARINE F-35B COMPLETES FIVE-STAR 'UNSCHEDULED VERTICAL LANDING EXPERIENCE'
Ron Rugundy demands Pentagon adopt Yelp-style mishap ratings after $100 million jet 'basically parks itself, on fire, near San Diego.'
A Marine Corps F-35B came down in a field near Miramar Tuesday in what the Pentagon is calling a 'Class A mishap' and what Ron Rugundy is calling 'the most expensive Uber drop-off in military history.' The pilot ejected safely and is in stable condition, which Ron says proves 'at least one part of this hundred-million-dollar jet knew what it was doing.' On-air, the network debuted a graphic rating the ejection seat five gold stars for reliability, right next to a small frowning sticker reading 'NEEDS IMPROVEMENT' pinned to an image of the jet mid-fireball.
Lockheed Martin Diagnostic Narratives Lead Ken Vargas assured viewers the blaze was entirely intentional. 'That fireball was a pre-planned visual confirmation that all flammable systems were functioning within expected parameters,' Vargas said, adding that the company considers any landing you can walk — or eject — away from 'a five-star guest experience, minus the jet.' Vargas noted Lockheed is exploring a loyalty program where every third crash gets a complimentary tote bag.
Ron closed the segment demanding the Department of Defense institute a formal star-rating system for military mishaps, 'so the taxpayer knows exactly how gracefully their money exploded.' Sitting ramrod straight at the anchor desk, mustache trembling with conviction, he delivered the line the writers' room had been saving all day: 'I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I don't know how — the seat worked, the jet didn't, and somehow that's a win.' He then recommended the Pentagon for Miramar's 'Most Improved Field' award, sponsored, naturally, by a fire extinguisher company.
